The internal tug-of-war that leads to breakthrough (basically) 🪐

THANK GOD FOR EVOLUTION - Monthly Digest Ep. 3

Dec 19, 2023

Monthly Digest ep. 3 published 10 Aug. 2023

Well wouldn’t you know it, I wound myself up so tight that I finally hit my wall. The stress, the fear, the insecurities, the worry, the anxiety, the guilt had all come to a head. Now you know something is wrong when you get tens of thousands of steps from pacing back and forth out of anxiety. I was exhausted. I couldn’t fight it anymore. What was it that I was I even fighting??

Spoiler alert!!! I was fighting myself. And it was manifesting itself in my outer world. As above so below, as within so without *ding ding ding*

So there I was, finally on empty. Exhausted enough to finally let my body relax. AND BAM! I hear, “YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR OWN REALITY” coming from my TV. My whole body lit up. You mean to say my perception is my reality? That if I got myself into this mess I can get myself out of it? I felt LIBERATED. I GET TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW I FEEL, HOW I REACT, HOW I EXPERIENCE THIS MOMENT IN TIME? You mean it’s not in anyone else’s hands? Well, shit. We’re going to the moon!

I want to get something straight. Remember how I said I’m a doer? Well, it’s true. For a few years every New Year I’d commit to something new, and yes, I stick to them. For example: cruelty free for 9 or 10 years, vegan for 8 years, cut out fast fashion 7 years ago… you get it. These New Year’s Resolutions were never a punishment to myself, they were a gift to myself and others. In fact when I went vegetarian in 2015 I did so on my birthday. Beginning of 2023 I told myself I was going to meditate everyday. It was something I’d dabbled in since my early 20s, including learning transcendental meditation in 2016, but it never stuck. I was busy, it was pointless, I couldn’t find the time — whatever any of that means! On Jan. 1 2023 I started meditating everyday. I would pull up a random guided meditation on YouTube in the morning and sit for 10, 15 minutes. I don’t know that I really felt any different, but it became part of my routine, and eventually an enjoyable one. Having this practice was something to look forward to because as you have already read, I was spiraling. I didn’t know that it was life changing necessarily, but it felt good to do it and commit to something new. And on March 25th of this year I had that big A-HA moment. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You are the creator of your own reality.

From my animal rights class in 2015 - I don’t know that I necessarily agree with this verbiage now but this was nearly a decade ago!

We live in a society that is REACTIVE (i.e. how do you think wars start?). We hold onto the past, we are afraid. We are afraid of ourselves and others. We stay in jobs and relationships we don’t like out of fear of what will happen if we try something new. We are fearful of what others will think of us. We blame others for our disappointments. Afraid of being perceived as weak, or undeserving. Constantly comparing ourselves. We mumble and grumble throughout life and the big spoiler is DEATH! But there can’t be life without death. We live in a world of polarities. Male and female. Good and bad. Right and wrong. And it’s no wonder we are so confused! We are too busy clinging to these identities and old stories. Are you exhausted yet?

Like most of us, I thought I was in control. And I was taking on the world and it was painful. I’d been carrying around disappointments and guilt and shame and blame and the hurts of others trying to help but not even knowing how to help myself! I’d been in a state of fight or flight for years. The knot in the pit of my stomach was always there and I was totally in my head consumed by my thoughts. And I hardly let anyone in because I was embarrassed. “You should be grateful!” I pushed through. A tug-of-war within myself.

This is the journey of self love. We learn how to reparent ourselves. We learn to take responsibility. We change the world from the inside out. And we start by slowing down.